(See Part I in previous post for the beginning of this experience).
Again no thought, no emotion, nothing. Again, without knowing why. I turned around, going back towards the kitchen and towards that pile of trays. And you can imagine, there was not the slightest thought of breakfast in me, it was light-years away from my consciousness!!! But when I was closer to the pile of trays I saw that on this slate there was one more sentence, which was saying:
‘Those who want to have a last Darshan of the Mother can take the bus which will come to Aspiration at 7:15 and go to the Ashram.’
And when I read that, only then did the thought come: ‘Oh, I am never going to see the Mother for my birthday! This is my last chance to see her body!’ And now it gave me a pang, ouch, it hurt suddenly. It hurt so much to know fully at last Who had been in that body, and that She had just left this world. And I could understand fully then the incredible gift I had just been given, of that Cosmic Darshan of the Divine Mother. Pure Divine Grace. I had not even prayed for that, not even desired it. So I needed such a blow, to strike my mental arrogance and put it to pieces, by the contact with the true Reality.
So you see, I had become totally humble. And I knew that I knew actually nothing. Not even what was good for me and was not good – only the Mother knew. So I was aware also that physically there was not enough time. I was in the far away Community Kitchen, I had to walk back to Aspiration, and then to dress up, how could I be ready in time to get into that bus?… It was to come so soon! So inwardly I told to Mother ‘Okay, You alone know what is good for me; if it is good that I see your body, then You do it. I cannot possibly hurry.’ And I walked back home and changed the way I was dressed. For the first time in my life, I dressed all in white – I had the feeling I was a new-born baby. Just when I was ready the bus was there, I went in, and you know, it was so strange to see, everybody in the bus – all those others from Auroville who had been getting in from everywhere – everybody was sobbing, sobbing. Most of the people were not like me, they all had had physical contact with the Mother, sometimes for years. It was the blessing of their life, and now it was gone. That contact they had had for long, and now… So I could see that. I could feel their sadness, their distress. But not in any way that could trouble me. I was in a kind of bubble of peace, of quiet joy, of total trust, and it is in that inner condition that I reached the Ashram .
There was a long queue in the streets around, which I joined along with everybody else. Hardly aware of time passing, suddenly I found myself inside the Ashram, in that Hall downstairs from Mother’s room where they had put the bed of the Mother with her body lying on it. Probably still from my experience early in the morning my inner sight, my spiritual sight must have remained open somehow. What did I see on that bed? Who has seen it then, who still knows about that? What the photographs taken at that time show isn’t what was really there, what I saw. It wasn’t what most people used to see either. I saw what was there. It was tremendous, glowing intensely but softly, almost aflame and yet not, something of incredible beauty. A kind of orange mist was there all around it and it was so strong, you know. What a shock. I couldn’t think anymore. And when I saw this unbelievable sight, my soul jumped right out of me towards Mother’s body, I fell to my knees, and I started sobbing, sobbing…
Of course one couldn’t stay there like that, blocking the whole line, so I was right away put back on my feet and pushed gently towards the exit. I came out into the street and immediately, without thinking, went back into the line that was continuing to form. And again my turn came and I arrived in front of Mother’s body, again she gave me so much, but it was all spilled out, it was all lost. Again I just could not remain calm enough. So things happened in the same way again: up, out, and back into the line again. But then during all the time I was in that line again, I prayed to Mother, ‘Oh Mother, I am too emotional, give me your peace, I must become able to receive the boon which you are trying to give me. Give me your peace. Make me, please make me peaceful enough to receive you!’ So I arrived in front of her body again, but that time I could stand there and drink, drink, drink with my whole being what she was giving me.
When it was finished I started turning towards the exit. I couldn’t stay, I knew that. But in my mind I was already thinking of finding a place again in the line… But then I felt suddenly a strange look upon me, and I looked up… and here was one of the people in the Ashram who have duty there, Ashramites who are big and strong, to keep watch whenever there is a large crowd like that … This man, this Ashramite, was looking at me quite fiercely. He couldn’t openly shout at me, given the circumstances, so in a low but angry voice he said to me ‘I have seen you already when you came before! How dare you!?! One is not allowed to come two times!!!’.
At once I understood two things that the Divine was telling me through this man: the first thing was, the Divine wouldn’t allow me to come another time, for I had been given what I needed, it wasn’t like a little sweet, you know, or a nice meal you want seconds of. But what I saw also on the other hand was how I had been allowed by the Divine to come actually not only once, but two times before, ignorant as I was of the rules; because my nature is to respect law and order; if I would have known that it was prohibited to come two times, that would have hindered me and I would not even have tried to come more than once. So the second thing I was made to understand through that man was that I had actually been meant to come as many times as I really needed it, and the Divine Grace had allowed it to happen in spite of the dutiful vigilance of the human beings.
So I smiled lovingly to that man, who probably didn’t understand why! I was so happy, so grateful for everything… I quietly moved away, on my way out, and back towards Auroville. But now, all along, and at home, all the pictures I saw of Mother were smiling to me!…
And so that has been the beginning of my inner relationship with Her, by pure Divine Grace.
Here is the end of that account I gave orally of my ‘memories of the Mother’.
I have perhaps to explain at this point that since the year 1956 the Mother’s body was undergoing a tremendous process of transformation down at the cellular level – where most of the cells themselves had awakened to a more luminous consciousness and were actually doing the inner process of the yoga on their own, just as Mother herself was. To the extent that the Mother had been told inwardly that those cells couldn’t die in the normal way anymore, they would be given the choice to go on as Mother’s body until the transformation would be complete, or, if the cells felt it would be even more useful for the general evolution of humanity, to disperse, so that their transformed consciousnesses could directly go and join the cells of many other human bodies that were ready here and there in the world: in those other bodies the cells that had formed Mother’s body would then help start again a process of conscious evolution.
What really happened perhaps was still something different, if enough cells were already transformed to form for Mother a new body made of a new state of Matter, that our ordinary senses wouldn’t necessarily be able to perceive yet: Mother saw that new body of hers several times, but with her inner sight only.
Or perhaps all three things did happen?…
I will explain more about all this when presenting the extraordinary document that are the thirteen volumes of ‘Mother’s Agenda’.