Even after the foreseen relationship had indeed started between herself and Nestor (see previous post), Alba still has the temptation to leave her life, when she has a Near Death Experience:
‘In Autumn, we spend a week-end on an island. It is cold, we light up a heater. Before sleeping, we put it out of the room, but some toxic gases remain inside.
Suddenly, I find myself pure consciousness, a kind of condensation of energy floating above the trees. I am again whole, complete, as in my experience as a 9 year old. Far down below, I catch sight of my inert body and of my companion trying to revive it. I am connected to my physical body by a rope of mist. A vibration, a sound directs my attention towards my body. He is calling me, he shouts my name while shaking my body, but I don’t want to go back. I am free, beyond time. I refuse to let myself go again into this too tight glove that my body is. But at that moment I get again, condensed like a lightning, the vision of the totality of the time I still have to live. I realize that I still have a part of my life-experience to live, and that it wouldn’t be correct to cut it short. I go back. Almost immediately I forget everything I was aware of, but I still have one clear certitude: my life has a meaning, and that meaning transcends death. This episode brings us back together, this time in a much stronger way than before.
We keep going, with less conflicts. It is already more than ten years that we live together. The wish arises in us to have a child. Our relationship is stronger and we feel ready to become parents.
Thanks to my ‘memories from the future’ I know in advance that I will have a son, even before the pregnancy. Moreover, I feel his presence. My pregnancy is good, the delivery normal. When he is born, I am struck by his eyes. He is a beautiful and healthy baby, but I feel he is ‘special’. His eyes are strange, unfathomable. I explain away those feelings by the insecurities due to being a first-time mother. I grow used to him, and two years later I feel another child is coming near. It is the other son. I would have preferred to wait, but the new being is already around me.
I become pregnant. I live the moment of the conception very intensely. I feel an explosion of light when the being of this child enters into me. The whole time of the pregnancy is a time of expansion, of plenitude. Nevertheless, I hardly recognize myself. Old habits change. I cannot any more eat meat, I can’t stand the aroma of coffee. I am very sensitive to the ‘waves’ in different places and to the vibrations of people.
The father of Flavio and I remain very united. We decide to take care of the birthing process ourselves. And it is truly the most deeply moving experience in my existence.
When the first contractions begin, I feel waves of energy going through me. I discover that by aligning myself with the flow of life, the pain turns into pleasure, the contraction into expansion, the fear into joy.
My companion supports me and gives me his strength. The whole work of giving birth becomes almost a ceremony. He, I, the child-t0-be-born, are part of the same circuitry. With the ultimate contraction, the ultimate wave of pain-pleasure, I am pulled into a strange experience. My body is a thin envelope that successive births and deaths go through interminably. Time acquires a vertiginous quality. I am born and I die again and again numerous times. In between are fragments of other lifetimes, other deaths, other ways of being.
At that moment once again I know everything, I understand everything. I am, we are condensations of the process of life. Death is a birth and birth is a death.
By touching lightly the little warm and slimy body of my son, I am born again to the earthly coordinates of time and space.
I am back here, and he is also here. We look at each other. His eyes don’t surprise me. He has the same strange, unfathomable eyes as my other son.
Now I know: they are of the same race, of the new race.’ (Alba)