Pour la traduction francaise, voir au 2 decembre 2015:
A few years only after my arrival in Auroville, I grew impatient of the slowness of our collective progress. Among the existing Aurovilian settlements, I could find none where the intensity, the inner fire for conscious evolution and Integral Yoga seemed to me still truly alive.
Only a new settlement, started recently upon the elevated area between two canyons by an austere and radiant young man coming from the Ashram, was still attractive to me, for in him and in that new place the inner flame seemed to me to be still well alight.
He allowed me to join the selected few who were already living around him.
I was very happy, and for about eight months it all went fine.
But at some point he talked to me privately and told me, quite unexpectedly, that certain strong tendencies I had in me were not good for the place and I would have to leave.
Flabbergasted and appalled, I begged him to at least give me some more time, just one month more; within that month for sure I would be able to eradicate whatever problem he had in mind, that made my presence undesirable.
He agreed to give me that additional time of one month, and then we would meet again, in his hut, for him to inform me of his final decision.
You can imagine how I spent that one month I had left for changing myself convincingly enough to win his approval and be able to stay on, which was extremely important for me: day and night I was fervently offering myself and whatever defect I had to the Divine, the Divine as I had already come in contact with in that huge experience on November 18th, 1973: the Divine Mother.
But in the enormous Darshan of Herself I had received on that day, the inner contact with Her, the intimacy of Her Presence and Guidance were missing. In the absence of a direct Guidance from Her within me, I had inwardly made a pact with Her: I would consider that young man as Her voice for me, and whatever he would say to me I would consider She Herself was saying it to me – hardly an ideal solution, for sure, but I didn’t know any better at the time, so that was the best deal I could come up with for receiving, at least indirectly, Her Guidance.
When the month finally came to an end, each minute of it having been spent in ardent inner prayer that I could stay, I went to the hut of the young man and sat in front of him in silence, awaiting his verdict. Both of us were in the lotus position which is so practical in such huts for sitting a thin cushion directly on the floor, in that case on the upper floor of the hut. My heart was beating violently while I waited for his word.
After a short mute concentration, he looked me straight in the eyes and told me, gently but with the firmness of finality:
“Sorry, you really have to go.”
No reply came out of me, for his words hit me like a knife stabbing my heart. Pain seized my heart in its fierce grip, so acute I couldn’t even scream.
I blacked out, my eyes closing by themselves while my sitting body became rigid like in a frozen spasm.
In the inner darkness now surrounding me totally, pain was the only reminder that I still had a body; but inwardly I could feel the life-energy retreating from all my limbs, through my entire organism, retreating faster and faster, towards my heart, the flow of life-energy being attracted there irresistibly just as towards a black hole that sucked it all in: a black hole of excruciating pain.
My only thought, out of the intense feeling of total despair that submerged me, was this:
” So the Divine Mother has rejected me. She said “No” to me. This place was the last one, the only one where I felt I would be helped to progress and improve myself . Now I have nowhere else to go. I’m lost. My life has no meaning any more. I can as well die.”
And in the strange mental vacuity of that moment, an even stranger memory suddenly crossed my mind:
Long years before, as a child, I had read a riddle, a funny joke in “Selection of the Reader’s Digest”:
” The sound of an explosion is BOUM. What is the sound of an implosion?”
The answer was: “MUOB”.
I had liked that funny sound, it had made me laugh, so expressive it was indeed of what an implosion is.
And now, in that moment that felt pretty much like imminent death by implosion, this was the only thought that briefly came back to my mind, after complete oblivion for decades:
“So now here I am, doing MUOB…”
My despair was so total I didn’t care. I was just watching it all happen, with mute, oppressingly painful indifference.
What was left of my being felt more and more like an infinitely compressed intensity of pain and despair. I was turning into a kind of stone, a black stone, harder and harder, smaller and smaller, the pain more and more unbearable as I was nearing the point when I would be entirely sucked in and would finally vanish into nothingness.
On the very verge of annihilation, something in me suddenly surged, however faint, that couldn’t accept. Couldn’t accept that fate, couldn’t accept that the Divine Mother had rejected me, it was too unjust, too cruel:
“How could She ever condemn me? She is my Mother, my eternal Mother! She knows everything of me. She knows my sincerity, she knows how hard I tried!… How could She reject me? It is not possible, She cannot abandon me!”
And in an ultimate burst of love for Her and faith in Her Love, an anguished call for help, an inner scream went out to Her across the Black Void of Death engulfing me:
Instantaneously I found myself in an immense, yet intimate realm of lovely golden Light suffusing everything, the beautiful landscape, the very beings that were there – but among them I, in the form of a cute little girl perhaps six years old, in a nice little dress, I had eyes only for Her, my Divine Mama, who was sitting there at some distance, on a kind of throne made of the same lovely Light, and her Being itself shone softly with it as well, while She was opening her arms towards me, and smiling to me such a sweet smile I came running eagerly with stretched arms towards Her and threw myself onto Her in total trust and joyful abandon. I was Home at last, with Her.
From the timeless moment that followed, I remember only the blissful Oneness between us, and how She comforted me, laughing softly, telling me how of course She had never rejected me at all, and never would, it was impossible, but at that stage of my human life that much pain had been necessary for my consciousness to finally reach the intensity of yearning that had enabled me to shift dimension and come to that Realm of all-pervasive luminous Sweetness of Love, in which our Souls have their Origin, and which is our real Home in between lifetimes on Earth or elsewhere, when we are having a Human experience in a physical human body.
I melted in Her, in Her Love, I was Hers for a happy eternity in which no sense of Time passing existed at all.
And suddenly my consciousness found itself back inside that hut, inside my body still sitting there, rigidly immobile in front of the young man’s body also sitting there. I was in a state of perfect happiness and tranquility.
He was looking at me with astonishment and a kind of awe, mightily puzzled as he must have been by the extreme changes that my face must have gone through while expressing the extreme inner changes I had experienced. I felt compassion for him, who had witnessed all this without knowing what was going on within me. I felt also gratitude, for the part he had unwittingly played in that wonderful dimensional shift I had experienced: by pushing me to the very limits of despair and death, he had been the instrument the Divine Mother had used for obtaining this result. I smiled sweetly to him, and said:
“So, I have to leave?… Fine . No problem. I can go anywhere else, it doesn’t matter. Any other place in Auroville that you would suggest?”
And indeed, the place didn’t matter any more, nor did he himself, now that I had my inner contact with my dear Mother securely established within me and directly accessible for Guidance.
For a while he couldn’t believe his ears. It was a transformed person he was looking at and listening to. The change had been so abrupt he was quite bewildered. Finally he managed to tell me indeed the name of another community where someone was needed to take care of the place, the previous care-taker having recently left.
And I happily moved there with my beautiful sweet secret hidden within me… the secret of my narrow escape from death by heart-attack, and of my visit to our blissful Home in the eternal Reality behind this one.